School Vomit

When Sandy and I were walking through the hallways to exit school, for some reason, junior year finally sunk in. Haha, it’s been two weeks of school and I’m already tired. I am continuously being piled on with homework and test to study for. I got a D+ on my first AP Psychology test, but our essay was worth two test and the outline was worth 50, so I’m sure my grade will balance to a B. But I’m still sad because I’m sure it’s a low B. The class isn’t hard, but it isn’t easy either. Mr. Eng, my Trig teacher, deducted four points off of my test because I didn’t show ALL work. That asshole. I showed most of my work… Fux, couldn’t even let me slide. I don’t get shit in Spanish, since my Spanish teacher was in labor last year ;therefore, we had a substitute that couldn’t teach -___-. Gosssh, there’s an oral presentation tomorrow… Crossing my fingers that I’ll do well. I missed five points in Chemistry because I left my notes in my book. My book was at home. I know it’s only five points, but it’s only the beginning of the school year! AND US HISTORY CLASS, you don’t learn shit and the class is sooo slowwwwww. I have him for zero and all I want to do is catch myself some Zzzzzs. I can’t wait for the weekend.

I can't believe Kush is leaving, and so is Bunny : ((((((

"sticks and stones

May break my bones, but words will forever hurt me". Well, not in this case. I know what I want, and I know what I have to do to get it.

I forgive easily; I tend to brush things off my shoulders. I see no point getting mad and grudging over things that are unnecessary. It takes up too much time and energy. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or bad thing. I suppose it's all on how you make it. You can either take advantage of me or love me for it. But trust me, I know what I deserve. And if you cross the line, fuck you, I will never stay.

I have already forgotten, things in the past that were big deals to me then, have become small and unimportant.

And I want to say this specifically to you. You have done so much more than love me. You've given me happiness, care, and security, even if I pushed you away, you never gave up. And it's been over a year and a day since what has happened last summer night. I forgive you, and ultimately I love you. 2710

moving, always moving

I moved houses last week, and we're settling down in the new house, but all the furniture hasn't come in yet so its sort of still empty. School's starting in about 2 weeks or so. I can say I'm pretty excited, but I know I'll miss the late nights and mornings, getting to sleep whenever I want without thinking about tests, homework, and studying. I have to admit, August has been a roller coaster ride of up and down emotions. Nostalgia, lonesome, yet completeness.. I'm not sure if that make sense.I can never be satisfied with my life for a long time... But being in the new environment that I'm in, since the move, has made me feel better. I suppose being stuck in the old house brought back a lot of .. Just the past really. And I need to move on with better things. And better is always better than good.

So, at this moment, I am content. Cliche, I know. And yeah, cliche to use the word cliche haha. But there's a reason why its been used a lot.

I'm sorry.

I've been feeling better about a lot of things. I've realized that lately I've been angry.. Not in the sense of violence, but this anger is quiet. I get frustrated that people around me don't understand why I act the way I do, but I never gave them any reasons. I have this front I pull that I don't care, that I try to look for the good in everything, calm and mellow. But the compilations of every situation builds up; I keep it in for so long that I struggle to know how to explain myself. I feel bad because I push everyone away. I act weird and stubborn, hoping that they'll read my signals and get it. Hehhhh. Everything's my fault..I tend to put the pain away and let things be.

If I don't bother to care or show that I do, I'll lose something. Whether it's myself or someone else.

first light.

A few days ago, you and I were in your room ready to watch some Greek movie. I have to admit, what we talked about earlier before we crawled into bed made me sad.. I know we're going to deal with change. So, while we were watching the movie, the whole time all I could think about was the difficulty of the whole situation. But for some reason, I couldn't face you. I didn't even know what was going on. And when you put your arms around me, I cried. I don't know, it was the moment where I realized that we're going to go through so many other obstacles and have to work harder to keep each other before one heart lets go and one heart holds on.

take a deep breath

Today's the meteor shower and I'm pretty down that I'm not going to be able to see it tonight and I've been anticipating for it since two weeks ago. The upcoming one is in November, which is so long from now. heh. I was supposed to go to Karen Le's to go biking today, but plans got canceled, rescheduled for tomorrow, and headed out to Diana's instead. Moving day is in 3 days, so I won't be neighborhood neighbors with Dsam anymore :' ( But we'll be both driving soon, so it's all good. a few streets further isn't bad. This summer is ending in less than a month. It started out good, and ending okay. I feel like I still have to do something before it does. Finish the 101 list? Heh. I'm afraid to bring it up; it doesn't feel like it means anything anymore. Things feels so different. Is it just me? Anyway, I want to get back into painting and all that artsy fartsy stuff especially since I lost all my paintings, and I don't want to lose touch with the techniques. Is it possible to forget to do what you used to love?

I wake up every morning and ask myself why I feel the way I do. Confused. But it always gets worse at night.
I had something.. and lost it all on my own. I had my whole heart and soul, but now I'm not sleeping cause I can't chase back time. I've lost all strength and energy to keep pushing on.

lost

Bliss was clenched in my hands and I couldn't hold on tight enough. There is no sense of direction; I'm walking in circles in my clouded thoughts.I hate times like these. Times when there's no one who would listen or maybe they did wanted to, but I'm tangled in my knots of words so its hard to untie. Maybe its because I feel like I'll be misunderstood if I do give someone the benefit of the doubt to past through the surface. Its hard to allow someone to get access to my thoughts and especially trust them with it.

At the end of the night, I just feel lonely..

what the hell is going on

I'll blog in more depth later when I can put my finger on how I'm feeling right now. Cause I'm so lost and confused at this moment.

Quick update

I just got home from the gym, and now I'm on my phone blogging. Haha. My eyes are bloodshot and there are bags under my eyes.I haven't had much sleep for the last 3 days. But I'm happy, or at least content for this moment. Summer's been treating me very well. I've got to do many things that I haven't got to done and gone to places I haven't been to. I got to go to Olive Garden, D and B, Disneyland, Wildrivers, street fairs, places I've heard about, but never go to go to until this month. Catch up with the old friends and meet new people. And I'm back in shape, though I do wish I was in a sport again. It's almost the end of July, and I'm sure August is going to go by fast, then junior year will begin.But I'm looking forward for the new school year. Being class officer is exciting and I can't wait to get involved in school more.

I'm so overwhelmed by the goods rushing in all at one time and it feels strange.. I haven't been this way in a while.

Have you ever loved someone so much, you just want to squeeze them? Like 2 bodies have become one soul. Yeah, that's how I'm feeling.

I couldn't ask for anything more right now